catching up

I am not doing 20-30. I had ideas for 20 to 30 but that was weeks ago and now they have slipped my mind and then I got busy. Being here with Easton, Weston, and Ellie is a full time job-24/7-no sick days, no breaks. Ellie is almost 9 months old. Her newest thing is that if she doesn't see me, she shrieks. I thought she wasn't going to have stranger anxiety but I was wrong. I am not sure how it is going to go if she goes back to Tennessee for awhile. Adam said he wishes I would let her come back but after Avery basically forgot me and didn't call me Mama for months, I will hang onto Ellie as long as I can. As usual, I miss Adam and the kids back home. They are coming up next week and I am trying to figure out if I could keep one up here with me. Avery came and stayed for 2 weeks and it was very hard but I was glad to see her. Weston isn't doing well enough for me to feel ok to leave him. He has had 2 very hard weeks but seems to be doing better since getting a new broviac. We went and looked at apartments last week. While I love GOL, it is clear that we need a bigger space for my sanity. Imagine yourself in one room with a baby and a 7 year old that talks constantly-all day-everyday-and my only "break" is coming to the hospital where we add in Weston. I never get to have a conversation with anyone without little ears listening. Maybe that is what makes me the most weary? Apartment hunting in the city is interesting-probably because I have never lived in a city apartment. One that we looked at was MUCH nicer than we needed but it was neat to look at-like off of a movie. Adam is coming to do a final walk through of the apartment that I liked the best. It is 3 bedrooms and within walking distance to CHOP which is a huge plus. We are busy planning Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Some days, it is overwhelming to think that we are still here. I can't even wrap my head around how we got here. Most days, I wonder how we will function in the regular world after Weston's transplant. One day at a time, right? I know my posts are random and sporadic-that is just how life is right now. My mind goes 90 miles an hour in about 50 different directions.

11 to 20

11) Take more pictures of the kids doing all of the crazy stuff I am afraid I will forget when they get bigger 12) Take more family vacations. 13) Cook more 14) Take a cooking class while I have the chance in Philly. There are many great ones that are just a few hours. 15) Eat better. I already eat pretty clean but I definitely have my bad days like everyone else. 16) Know what is going on in the world. I don't get many opportunities to read the newspaper or watch the news but after all of this with Weston is done, maybe I can make time for that. Probably not but maybe. 17) Let my friends know I care about them. Some have been going through some very hard times and while I pray for them, I don't always let them know that I am thinking about them. 18) Stay at home more. Once we finally get home, I may never want to leave. 19) Teach the kids what they really are excited about. Stop listening to other families on what curriculums to get. Find what is right for them. 20) Let the kids wear princess dresses/superhero costumes to the bank, have spikey colored mohawks, stay up a little late, or sleep in bed with us. They are only little once and I don't think it will scar them for life.

30

So, on Sunday, I am turning 30. We are in such a different place than I ever imagined being. In just the past 4 days, we were told Weston was septic, we got done moving out of my childhood home, and then, today, Ellie was hospitalized. I am looking forward to turning 30. My early 20's were filled with so many ups and downs that I am not wanting to look back. SO-here are the first 10 of 30 things I want to accomplish in my 30's 1) Pray a little more-or a lot more. I find myself praying often but not as much as I should. 2) Love on our kids every minute that I can. It is so hard to get wrapped up in the everyday household tasks. I want to make the most of every minute with our sweet babies. 3) Be a better wife. Right now, especially, Adam and I are so focused on making sure everything is ok with Weston and taking care of the other kids that we don't make time for each other. 4) Learn to love myself. I have confident days and not so confident ones so I am going to focus more on my positives than my negatives especially when it comes to body image. I want to teach our girls to be comfortable in your own skin. 5) Learn to let go. Letting go of my sisters and their craziness, letting go of past issues and regrets, letting go and gaining peace of mind. 6) Talk a little less and listen a little more. 7) Celebrate everyday because we may not be here to celebrate tomorrow. 8) Throw out all of the schedules and live on "Keeton time". 9) Adopt Abby. She deserves a forever home and we are blessed to have been chosen as her second parents. 10) Focus our family on Christian values, love, and traditions. Every year we make new traditions that sometimes I don't think matter to the kids at all but this year, especially, they have remembered just about every tradition and wanted to make sure we did them even while we were here in Philly.

Some days

I try to keep positive about this situation but some days are just too much. It is too much to hear people complain about the ordinary things that happen in life. Your house is a wreck, your kid lost their shoes, you had to take your kids to the doctor, you don't have enough time in the day for whatever it is you want to do, blah, blah, blah, freaking blah. I have a hard time going to the store and seeing how poorly people treat each other. I just want to grab folks and shake them and say "Your life isn't that bad" and drag them to the CICU where Weston fights for his life everyday.

Being in the CICU for almost a year, surrounded by children fighting for every breath, has changed me. Changed what I find interesting in life-changed the things I miss-changed how thankful I should have been for my messy house, cooking dinner, dirty dishes, and wild children. Maybe that was God's plan.

I am finding it hard to talk to my friends. Not that I don't love everyone back home but my trip home made me feel even more like a stranger. It felt empty and sad. I wanted to fly back as soon as I got back to our house because our house didn't feel like home without all of the kids. No one really understands how we live everyday. No one understands the roller coaster of emotions that we go through everyday. Any maybe I sound a little whiney but I just want my baby to get better and for us to go home. I don't even care where that home is (which will be a whole other post for later). I am exhausted emotionally, physically, and socially. I can't even have a real conversation with most people because we no longer have anything in common. I know God has a plan and he never told us it would be easy so I pray for strength.

In kind of good news, we have started some preliminary talks about Weston going to the CCU (the step-down unit from the CICU). I am torn on this decision. It would be great because Weston would have to be completely off the nitric and some of the drips so this would be progress and he would be healthy but he would also have much more freedom and I don't know what would keep him from leaving. I mean, if I go to take a shower, if he isn't connected to his IV pole and nitric tank, what is going to stop him from hopping on the elevator and leaving? The nurses are 1 to 3 which isn't terrible but I still worry. It is just a lot to deal with.

So, my whine fest is over. Thanks for listening.

Philadelphia

Tomorrow marks 10 months of being a Phialdelphian. After all this time, I can do many things within the city. I can ride the bus or train and be kind of accurate when I get off on my stop. I can mark on a map most of the scariest areas because I have been lost more times than I can count. I can name lots of yummy restaurants inside the city-each subdivided by their area. I know I live in Northern Liberties and that the Old City is close by. I found a little corner market to shop at. I can make it to Target, groceries stores, and most other things without the use of the Magellan. These are huge feats for such a huge, confusing place. I am proud of myself.

Adam

I don't write about him nearly enough and maybe, just maybe, I didn't really appreciate him enough until he went back home to TN. Let me start off saying I am not meant to be a single parent-no way. Adam is a great daddy and a loving husband. I know everyone says that about their spouse but not many have been tested as much as Adam and I have. First, he married me knowing that my sisters were insane and we were going to have to care for them for many years. This alone should have made him run away (if you have met them and known the hell and torture they have put us through, you understand). Then, we have tons of kids. I always feel blessed that he comes home right after work excited to see the kids and me. Trust me, by the time he gets home from work, people are crying, the house is dirty, things are a mess. He comes home and dives right in. If I have had a hard day with the baby (whichever baby-there is always a baby) he is the first to let me go take a bath while he takes care of the baby. Cooking, cleaning, whatever I need help with-he is there. I couldn't make it without him. Now, all of this with Weston. It was difficult for Adam to make the decision not to go back to work until Weston was stable. People are quick to say I am a super mama but he deserves a lot of credit. He is such a blessing as a husband and a father. He is my love and I don't tell him nearly enough.

Here she is

In true Keeton favor, Ellie Brooke Keeton arrived with her very own flare. I was scheduled to be induced Monday the 23rd. I have been induced with 4 out of 5 baby Keeton's up until then and figured that I would be induced with her and all would be well. Thursday night, Adam's parents arrived (Thank God) to help us with Weston. I was having stronger and stronger contractions and thought I might go into labor on my own. Saturday, I felt even worse. I have never felt so terrible in my life. Friday night, Adam, Pam, and I went to the hospital. I wasn't really sure what was going on but I needed to see a doctor. I was dilated to 4cm and having contractions every 5-10 minutes. Great, I thought, hook me up to some pitocin and let's get this show on the road. Not so fast there pregnant lady-apparently, because of the overcrowding of Philadelphia, you can only be admitted to the hospital if you are getting ready to push or your water breaks (take your pick). My water had never broken on its own so I didn't have much hope on that one. We got home around 3am with me still having contractions and me still in pain. By about 7am, with no sleep in 2 days, and constant contractions, we went back to the hospital. Again, I was sent home. I was heartbroken and crying by this point. I kept telling Adam that something had to be wrong. I have never felt so much like I couldn't breathe and the pain just seemed neverending. It was worse than any of the epidural free labors I have had because it seemed like we weren't making any progress.

Finally, oh sweet finally, Monday arrived. I knew Ellie was arriving that day-whether she agreed with it or not. Everything was going smoothly. We came in, me my nurses who were AWESOME, met my midwife who was going to deliver who was wonderful, we were ready to have a baby. The pitocin got started and I was having some great contractions. I am not sure if I felt so great because I knew I was going to feel better soon or what but labor was going nicely. I rolled over to take a nap and my water broke. Now, I have had my water broken 5 other times and I have never, ever, ever in my life seen so much water. It was so forceful that my feet were wet and my hair was soaked. My nurses hadn't either and knew something was wrong pretty fast. My belly deflated and water was still gushing everywhere (birth is graphic). My nurse called my midwife in and my midwife immediately realized that when my water broke, the force of it flipped Ellie around and she was now stuck under my ribs. They wheeled in an ultrasound machine and you couldn't see any part of her except her butt. She was super stuck. I was going to have a c-section. As the doctor is telling me about the c-section and how I was going to have to be cut vertically, all I could think of was Kate Gosselin showing her stomach and showing her "jowls of a dog". I was afraid and poor Adam just looked in shock. There wasn't time for crying. A quick kiss and I was wheeled out of the room.

I was immediately wheeled to the operating room (I assume I was given valium or something because I was awfully calm during this whole thing). The anesthesiologist gave me a spinal. I was pretty much naked in front of a whole room full of folks I had just met because every once in awhile, more water would gush and they would change my gown. I was weird and I am glad I have never had an sponal or an epidural before because I did not like the way it made me feel.

While Adam was getting all of his fancy operation clothes on, the surgeon was talking to me about that they might have to break Ellie's arm to get her out. He said I wouldn't be getting the small incision that people think about but he was going to have to cut me vertically inside. Adam got to come in and they started trying to get her out. They kept making my incision bigger and bigger to try to get Ellie out. Adam looked over the curtain once and said the surgeon had his entire arm in my stomach trying to get Ellie unstuck. Finally, she went to kick and he grabbed her leg and was able to pull her down. She was taken to the warmer and I could only see her legs for a few minutes. She weighed 8lbs 1oz and was 21 and a half inches long. OUR BIGGEST BABY! While this was happening, my blood pressure was dropping lower and lower. They kept giving me medicine to raise it and Adam kept shaking my shoulder trying to keep me awake. He has clearly been around the hospital too much. Next time, if there is a next time, we will have to turn the monitors where he can't see them. The highest my blood pressure got was 77/43. I was in and out of it. The nurses and doctors were so nice. Our midwife loved photography so she took the camera and was busy taking pictures of Ellie and our family. It was like a big c-section party. I was sewed and glued up which took forever. The surgeon did a plastic surgery closure so it was supposed to heal better.

I went to recovery and got to nurse Ellie. My body was still pretty numb. Our nurse made sure we got the last private room (in Philly, private rooms are rare to come by). Once we got to our room, the doctors came in and told us Ellie was very bruised. We took her clothes off and her arm and leg were black and blue. The surgeon also said that because of the way I am cut inside, I will have to have a c-section if we have another baby later on. Apparently, with Ellie, I had at least twice the amount of amniotic fluid that would be normal. Because of this, it caused more direct weight on my nerves causing all of the pain I had felt the weekend before she was born.

Recovery has been good but painful. I was dehydrated from losing so much fluid so I got bags and bags of fluid. I was also anemic so they gave me iron. For the first week, I had to take my pain meds. I would try to skip them so I wasn't so drugged up when I would go see Weston at the hospital but by the end of the day, I would be about to cry from the pain. I feel a lot better this week. I am only having to take meds at night. My incision is from hip to hip horizontally but what really hurts the worst is the incision vertically inside. They said it takes a lot longer to heal so hopefully, I will feel much better in a few weeks.

Ellie is a great baby! Other than nursing every 2 hours, she is a dream! The little kids haven't got to meet her yet-except on Skype. We are hoping that maybe Ellie and I can fly home in March for them to meet her. We are also thinking the other kids and Adam will be able to come visit for Easter. He is going back to work at the end of the month. I can't wait to see all of the kids together.

It is going to be OK

I realize my sanity was a little questionable day before yesterday. Adam and I both felt like we were teetering on the edge of a breakdown. This is the stuff that no one talks about. No one ever says that it is ok to feel like jumping into the river when your entire life crumbles around you. They only say "oh it is ok", "you will get through this", or "I am praying for you". While I love prayers and have a strong faith in God, sometimes I just want someone to take on one of the problems and FIX it. Fix it right then. Let me give you a brief rundown of our past 2 weeks: Weston needs a heart and lungs NOW (his meds are no longer working as effectively), Adam has to go back to work asap so that we can keep our insurance that will only pay 80 percent of his transplant expenses, he will not get paid for the first few months of work because we will be paying back ins premiums that have built up while Adam has been gone, I am having Ellie on Monday, and we found out today that the apartment we live in that is rented through the hospital is ending their contract so we have to move by Feb 10 or pay 2600 a month in rent. Social work also did an estimate of how much we need to fundraise for out of pocket expenses and they came up with 100,000 to 200,000 dollars. AND-I am being induced Monday so Ellie will be arriving (the highlight of the week!).

After a short pity party for our situation, I posted on facebook-not really knowing what else to do. I was amazed by the support we received from our family and friends. Having a child with a critical illness is stressful enough but to add all of those other things to the mix-well, it is just overwhelming. Everyone keeps saying that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I would like to see some research on that because I feel like Adam and I have gotten more than our fair share here recently.

Pity party over and now looking forward. Friends are working on fundraising ideas and I am thankful that they are taking over. Weston ate mac and cheese yesterday and has had a pretty good day today. I have spent a lot of time wondering about Ellie's timing. As most everyone knows, I was pregnant before we left Tennessee. Every once in awhile, we talk with someone who can't do math and they seem to think we got pregnant while up here-you know, because critical illness is so romantic and the few times Adam and I have even slept in the same bed, making a baby was 1st on our list. Anyways, no one ever could have thought that we would be here for 8 months and probably longer. No one ever would have thought our family would be torn apart. But, the other day, it dawned on me why God sent Ellie at such a stressful time. Ellie is the one positive experience we have. Weston (and the other kids) are excited about a baby sister. Weston cannot wait to hold her, feed her, and give her a bath. God sent Ellie to us to give Weston something to look forward to and something to be happy about. Ellie is a blessing and for the first few months, I had been taking that for granted.

Fast Forward

We have been in Philadelphia 7 months and 1 day. So much has happened since we arrived and we have gone on so many wild rides. First, we were separated from the kids because we were here and Weston was so sick. We were told Weston was going to die which was horrible. Thankfully, he is a fighter and Adam and I beat the heck out of his back with this vibration thing 24 hours a day to get the pneumonia out of his lungs and he not only survived but he did better than he had. Then, we brought the kids up when things were a bit more stable. We agreed they would stay until after Christmas or until Weston's transplant-whichever came first. We were so hopeful that he would get a transplant during the holidays. Holidays are the big transplant time-but they have came and went now. I have been worried about how I would feel this week about no transplant and I am not going to lie, it is heartbreaking to know that he needs something to desperately and there is nothing that we can do but wait. The kids went back to Tennessee on New Years Eve. It was bittersweet. We knew that we were going to have to send them to minimize the germ risk during cold and flu season for Weston but we will miss them and their wild ways. The apartment has been so sad and boring since they left. I have pretty much decided that 1) I would never do well living alone and 2) I will probably not do so hot when the kids move out of the house.

Ellie is growing and can arrive anytime. Ideally, baking for another week would be great but since it feels like she is kicking my lungs, I believe she is ready to exit. My doctor said that I have to stay in the hospital for 48 hours after she is born. I feel that is excessive since I am going from 1 hospital to go sit in the CICU at CHOP where there are zillions of doctors just in case something went wrong. I will push for an early departure once I see how labor goes. The only labor that I really had a hard time recovering from was Sutton and with him, I lost so much blood that my blood pressure kept dropping and I kept passing out-even after I had been discharged. I feel so fat at the moment. Maybe it is because I can't breathe or because Weston insists on me getting up and down a bazillion times to do things for him which makes me groan and pant. I can't wait to lose the weight. I am usually never worried about dropping the pregnancy weight but I am also usually at home running after the kids and it just falls off. I love my Zumba class at home so I am hoping to get Zumba for the Wii so I can do it pretty soon after Ellie is born. I have the 30 Day Shred too that I did before I got pregnant and it is a good workout-probably not for the super athletes out there-but I liked it just fine. I just can't wait to hold sweet Ellie and bend over without thinking I might throw up.

Looking at the year ahead, everything is so up in the air. Everything depends on Weston's transplant. Our family is on hold and it is frustrating to have no control over anything. Our main friends up here are hospital staff. I told Adam we need to work on that. Being here has put things in such a different perspective. So, I keep thinking, fast forward hopefully 6 months or so, and I will be blogging about how we are going home, how great his transplant went, and how excited we are to finally get back to Blountville. I still need to post picts from Christmas. I promise to do that soon-or at least before next Christmas.