It is going to be OK

I realize my sanity was a little questionable day before yesterday. Adam and I both felt like we were teetering on the edge of a breakdown. This is the stuff that no one talks about. No one ever says that it is ok to feel like jumping into the river when your entire life crumbles around you. They only say "oh it is ok", "you will get through this", or "I am praying for you". While I love prayers and have a strong faith in God, sometimes I just want someone to take on one of the problems and FIX it. Fix it right then. Let me give you a brief rundown of our past 2 weeks: Weston needs a heart and lungs NOW (his meds are no longer working as effectively), Adam has to go back to work asap so that we can keep our insurance that will only pay 80 percent of his transplant expenses, he will not get paid for the first few months of work because we will be paying back ins premiums that have built up while Adam has been gone, I am having Ellie on Monday, and we found out today that the apartment we live in that is rented through the hospital is ending their contract so we have to move by Feb 10 or pay 2600 a month in rent. Social work also did an estimate of how much we need to fundraise for out of pocket expenses and they came up with 100,000 to 200,000 dollars. AND-I am being induced Monday so Ellie will be arriving (the highlight of the week!).

After a short pity party for our situation, I posted on facebook-not really knowing what else to do. I was amazed by the support we received from our family and friends. Having a child with a critical illness is stressful enough but to add all of those other things to the mix-well, it is just overwhelming. Everyone keeps saying that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I would like to see some research on that because I feel like Adam and I have gotten more than our fair share here recently.

Pity party over and now looking forward. Friends are working on fundraising ideas and I am thankful that they are taking over. Weston ate mac and cheese yesterday and has had a pretty good day today. I have spent a lot of time wondering about Ellie's timing. As most everyone knows, I was pregnant before we left Tennessee. Every once in awhile, we talk with someone who can't do math and they seem to think we got pregnant while up here-you know, because critical illness is so romantic and the few times Adam and I have even slept in the same bed, making a baby was 1st on our list. Anyways, no one ever could have thought that we would be here for 8 months and probably longer. No one ever would have thought our family would be torn apart. But, the other day, it dawned on me why God sent Ellie at such a stressful time. Ellie is the one positive experience we have. Weston (and the other kids) are excited about a baby sister. Weston cannot wait to hold her, feed her, and give her a bath. God sent Ellie to us to give Weston something to look forward to and something to be happy about. Ellie is a blessing and for the first few months, I had been taking that for granted.